Opinion: Santa sued, sighted, sued, slim

Jolly Ol’ St. Nick ain’t so mirth-filled this year. But don’t worry; he’ll visit your abode as always, come snow or sleet. However, he’ll be using a different mode of transportation. When interviewed by Sandy Klausman of XMAS.TV NYHETER in Oslo, Norway, Santa said, “Jeg ville aldri skuffe alle de snille små guttene og jentene rundt om i verden.” Niles Nilessen, City Editor on our staff and a native of Iceland who speaks Norwegian, translated, “I would never disappoint all the good little boys and girls around the world.”

Klausman pressed the legendary giftee, “What about those preschoolers who haven’t decided which gender they want to be? You know, they’re being taught that being born either male or female doesn’t necessarily determine one’s gender for the whole rest of their lives, and — of course — there are those who have already decided that they don’t want to be either?” Santa responded, “Det er reinsdyrdritt!” Nilessen was hesitant to translate. However, when a hired enforcer threatened to break his knees, Nilessen said, “Well, don’t quote me on this, but Santa said, ‘That’s reindeer… uh…droppings. Or words to that effect.’”

Santa sued

Earlier this month, Santa was sued in XXV District Court in Nome, Alaska by PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). PETA accused the Yule King of a “gross violation” of the International Agreement on the Treatment of Working Animals, a document signed by all nations that participated in the conference on the island of Guam in 2022.