Thank goodness the Democrats of California have saved us from the dangers of plastic straws. The Legislature and Gov. Jerry Brown have protected us against these terrible weapons of mass destruction by making them illegal. No longer will we be forced to drink through plastic straws in restaurants, bars and coffee houses.
Of course, a lot of scientists will be looking for jobs because of this.
Anti-straw environmental activists claimed that Americans were using a half-billion plastic straws every day. To get that number, of course, environmental scientists — or someone — had to count all those straws as fast as they could every day just to make sure that the straw-numbers claims were not being made up by environmentalists who just hated straws for no reason at all and were willing to lie about them to scare legislators and an outgoing governor into legislating against them. Now that the Legislature and the governor have signed the new law against plastic straws, plastic straw counters will no longer be necessary, and will soon be on unemployment.
With that many straws being used every day, however, one would think the whole countryside would be covered by them, and that prisoners would have had to be set to work raking them up to keep homeless people from gathering them and recycling them.
Some people don’t believe straws are actually necessary, and don’t use them. These are tough people, tough and self actualizing, who pick up Pepsis and drink from the can, or bottle, or glass using their lips, just like grownups. They are some of those who are making America great again. But there always have been sippers who demand straws to keep from spilling Pepsi or coffee down their shirtfronts.
The problem with these people is not so much the straws they use, but their inability to sip beverages out of a cup or glass.
One might think of these slack-lipped lappers as handicapped, but some of the rest of us think of them as lazy, or as idiots.
Now, one way of helping them deal with their disadvantage might be to make free straws available to them. Good old paper straws, I’m talking about, that don’t have the long life of plastic straws, and can safely be sipped through. Paper straws will decompose and not choke the lives out of ocean creatures that find themselves mesmerized by the shiny surfaces of plastic straws and fishing lures. Of course, these creatures also find themselves mesmerized by worms on hooks, so maybe they get what they deserve.
A lot of this straw business has to do with what kind of a person one is. For example, you never see someone drinking a beer through a straw. Beer drinkers are gulpers and proud of it, by golly. Why can’t Pepsi fanciers be the same way?
One also wonders why people drink Starbucks coffee through a straw. Are they so wimpy they can’t drink their coffee from a cup or sip it through a paper straw?
Anyway, I just feel secure in knowing that the Democrats are fending off the plastic straw hordes. These are the same folks who gave San Franciscans the gift of more than 4 million hypodermic needles every year so that those who wish to can self-inject their deadly drugs without risking some collateral infection or having to bother a doctor or nurse to pull them out of overdoses.
Who says America isn’t great?