“They asked me if I’d like to debate this gentleman, and I said ‘no.’ I said, ‘If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.’"
— Former Vice President Joe Biden,
March 21, 2018
“He doesn’t know me, but he would go down fast and hard, crying all the way. Don’t threaten people, Joe!”
— President Donald J. Trump,
March 22, 2018
Good evening everyone, this is Howard Cosell coming to you from out of the grave and wafting ringside at Madison Square Garden. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I thought I’d seen it all in the “Thrilla in Manila” when I was alive and reporting to you on Wide World of Sports. It was the third and final bout between Muhammad Ali and Smokin’ Joe Frazier.
We knew that the event would be spectacular when Ali announced that the contest would be a “killa and a thrilla and a chilla, when I get that gorilla in Manila.” In their previous two bouts, Ali and Frazier had one win each. The fight in the Philippines would determine who was truly “The Greatest.” After a grueling fourteen rounds, Frazier’s chief second, Eddie Futch, threw in the towel, ending speculation for all time.
Tonight, we have two belligerent septuagenarians who will be locked in mortal combat that can only be described as the “The Fight of the Century.” The origins of the bad blood between the two contenders is unclear, but Melania Trump dismissed the whole situation by telling me, “It’s just boys being boys.”
In an interview earlier this evening, she told me that when someone attempts to slap her husband, he counter-gropes with practiced facility. But, we’ll have to see if this tactic works on the feisty former vice president of the United States.
Right now, I can hear the beginnings of a roar from the back of the Garden. Yes, he’s making his entrance. Here comes Joe “The Jackhammer” Biden, decked out in bright pink tights, pink support hose, and a contrasting purple shawl with matching bunny bedroom slippers. Let’s see if we can get him to make a quick statement before the bout.
Joe! Joe! Over here. Come say a few words to your constituents.
“Hello, Howard. Trump’s wrong, and I’m strong. At the end of the night, I’ll be wearing the championship suspenders.”
We’ll have to let that scenario play out. But first, tell us about your pink attire.
“I’m wearing pink to indicate my support for the other big fight, the one against breast cancer. In fact, all of my proceeds from tonight’s slaughter will go to the American Cancer Society.”
That’s wonderful, Mr. Vice President. Good luck.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, there’s another roar coming from the far side of the Garden as Donald “The Dazzler” Trump makes his way down the aisle. He’s wearing a rhinestone-encrusted white sweat suit, a Day-Glo blue girdle, and a very long red tie.
Mr. President, how are you on this auspicious occasion?
“Howard, I’m ready to rumble. The Jackhammer has hammered his last jack. I‘m gonna float like a flat iron and sting like a flea.”
And, sir, what will you do with your share of tonight’s purse?
“I’m donating 100 percent of it to the Trump Family Foundation.”
Good luck, sir. And now, a word from our sponsor…
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Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Now let’s listen in as tonight’s referee Terry Gene Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, introduces the combatants.
“In the White Corner, weighing in at — uh — 239 pounds, the Dominator of D.C., the WASP of Washington, the Government Groper… President Donald J. Trump.”
[The crowd goes wild.]
“And in the Pink Corner, weighing in at a trim 172 pounds, the Delaware Destroyer, the Nuke of New Castle County, the Oracle of Obama… Former Vice President Joe Biden.”
[The crowd goes wild, again.]
“Okay gentlemen, go to your corners and try to come out on your feet.”
The tension in the Garden tonight is so palpable that one could cut it with a dull tweet. Now, Stormy Daniels is circling the ring, holding up a giant card with the number “1” on it. And here’s the bell.
First out of his corner with a little help from his seconds is Donald the Dazzler. With his mouthpiece in place, he looks remarkably like Alec Baldwin. He appears to thumb his nose at the Jackhammer’s corner as he shuffles to the right.
Now, with a bone-wrenching creak, Joe has risen from his stool and has begun to moon-walk backwards to his left. Uh-oh, the Dazzler and the Jackhammer have just backed into each other. They’re both down and the Hulk is counting. Under special rules for this battle, a ringside mini-crane has latched onto the Dazzler’s girdle and is lifting him to his feet. The Jackhammer is climbing up the ropes and struggling to a standing position. Now, the Hulk has ordered each to return to his respective corner. We’ve started our stopwatch…
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(LIFE ALERT COMMERCIAL)
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And, we’re back. The Jackhammer made it back to his corner in 83 seconds; the Dazzler took 86 seconds, and sat down just before the bell, ending Round One. So, we’ll call it a veritable tie so far.
Former Playboy Playmate Karen McDougal, holding up a “2,” is making her way around the ring, and the fighters appear anxious to get back into the fray.
The Hulk has called both pugilists to the center of the ring to touch gloves, signaling that this is the final round. Under U.S. Boxing Association Rule 135(A)m, fighters over 70 years of age are limited to two-round bouts.
The contestants stumble toward each other, but it looks as if The Dazzler has stepped on his tie. Yes. He’s going down. Now The Jackhammer seems to be distracted by the spectacle. Ladies and Gentlemen, he’s accidentally drifted into the referee, and they’ve both fallen. But, Hulk is up, and he’s started the count on both combatants…
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(SAFE-STEP WALK-IN TUB COMMERCIAL)
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…and that was a split decision that will certainly be debated at water coolers around the nation. It is…. Huh? What do you mean “We cut to a commercial?” Wait! Where are you taking me? Stop. I can’t go back to that cemetery. Hold on. I have a writ of habeas corpus. Noooo….
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Jim Glynn may be contacted firstname.lastname@example.org.