Opinion: A few joke ‘Tibs’

Geoff Tibballs hasn’t come out with one of his joke compilations lately, so I thought I would steal from one of his older ones.

• A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” So I went over and she was right; nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)

• In California, they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into TV shows. (Woody Allen)

• California is wonderful. On a clear day, when the fog lifts, you can see the smog.

• A cannibal is a guy who walks into a restaurant and orders the waiter. (Jack Benny)

• The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (NFL quarterback Joe Theisman)

• A fjord is a Scandinavian car.

• The people of Japan ride about in jigsaws.

• The eastern part of Asia is called Euthenasia.

• The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

• Floods from the Mississippi may be prevented by putting big dames in the river.

• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics.

• William Tell invented the telephone.

• Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

• I didn’t even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee.

• It is no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. (George Bush).

• I have opinions of my own — strong opinions — but I don’t always agree with them.

• Our paper carried the notice last week that Mr. Shaw is a defective in the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Shaw is really a detective in the police farce. (Ely Standard)

• A screaming crowd of 200 men and women tonight attempted to lynch Kinsey. Two policemen defended the prisoner until refreshments arrived. (Honolulu newspaper)

• It was particularly my fault that we got divorced. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. (Woody Allen)