Opinion: It’s not actually all green…

The most interesting news item last week was President Trump’s suggestion that we buy Greenland.

Greenland isn’t actually very green — it’s mostly white because of all the snow and ice up there.

Greenland is owned by Denmark, the rulers of which say Greenland isn’t for sale, although one wonders why they want to keep the place.

I have been to Denmark, and I will tell you they make a lot of nice cheeses and ham there, not to mention a very fine alcoholic drink called Akvavit, which is made from potatoes grains and dill, and despite the raw sound of its garden ingredients is considered by Danish drinkers to be the mother’s milk of Denmark, or the “water of life,” if you choose.

As I mentioned, Denmark owns Greenland, although it is difficult to understand why. Mrs. Doud and I flew over Greenland once — on our way to Denmark — and it was nothing but a white sheet of ice. Who would want to live there?

I know a few who have been there, mostly U.S. Air Force veterans, who say being stationed in Greenland was like being sent to Alcatraz, because alcohol was only available at particular times of the day, and very restricted.

When Denmark took over Greenland, only Danes were allowed to drink alcohol.

Gradually, Greenlanders were given access to alcohol, but this created a problem, which is that Greenlanders don’t seem to handle alcohol very well. Beginning in 1954, Greenlanders were given permission to buy the domestic beer, immiaq, but apparently it doesn’t taste any better than it sounds. It also leads to criminal behavior, fighting and a lot of throwing up.

Another news item had to do with refreezing the Arctic. It involves sending submarines down below the Arctic ice sheet and having them turn out hexagon-shaped ice cubes through a very complicated process that only works if you desalinate the water under the ice.

You probably are thinking this sounds like a very expensive enterprise, and it would be if anybody actually did it.

You probably would have to go up in the northern part of Greenland and places like that to accomplish such a refreezing, and you would have to take many barrels of immiaq or cases of Akvavit with you if you wanted to keep your crews happy.

One reason why President Trump wants to buy Greenland is that it would put a thumb in the eye of China.

It seems as though China is moving into Greenland as fast as it can, and that move is not part of a vast plan to turn Greenland into a tourist paradise.

It probably has to do with Greenland being a lot closer place than China from which to launch missiles at the United States.