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The Madera Tribune

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Opinion: Where comedy goes to die

November 23, 2019

Well, the Democrats are bloviating through the so-called impeachment hearings, and some of what is being said is hilarious — when it isn’t actually meant to be. So, it makes sense to hearken back to some political humor that actually is funny:

 

“The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then get elected and prove it.” — P.J. O’Rourke

 

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and then applying the wrong remedies.”
— Groucho Marx

 

“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
— Ambrose Bierce

 

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” — Mark Twain

“Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” 
—Will Rogers

 

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex ... uh ... setbacks.”
— George H.W. Bush

 

“If ignorance goes to forty dollars a barrel, I want drilling rights to George Bush’s head.” — Jim Hightower, former Texas Commissioner of Agriculture, referring to the elder Bush

 

“I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the federal prison system.” — Bill Clinton, on life in the White House

 

“There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and ... evil.” — Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford, and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event.

 

 “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” — Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.

 

“What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?”
 —Marion Barry

 

“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.”
— Ronald Reagan

 

“A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that’s what freedom is all about.” — Newt Gingrich, speaking at the 1996 Republican Convention

 

“In a recent fire, Bob Dole’s library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.” — Jack Kemp

 

“I am not one who...who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around.” — George H.W. Bush

 

“He can’t help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” — Former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George H.W. Bush

 

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
— Dan Quayle

 

“All that Hubert needs over there is a gal to answer the phone and a pencil with an eraser on it.” — Lyndon Johnson on Hubert Humphrey, his vice president

 

“There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.” — Stephen Colbert

 

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”
— Stephen Colbert

 

“Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.”
— Stephen Colbert

 

“Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.”
— Stephen Colbert

 

“I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.” — Stephen Colbert

 

“Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.” — Winston Churchill

 

“I am certainly not one of those who need to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.” — Winston Churchill

 

“To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.” — Winston Churchill

 

“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.” — Winston Churchill

 

“We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.”
— Winston Churchill

 

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
— Winston Churchill

 

“You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”
— Winston Churchill

 

“Show me a young Conservative and I’ll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I’ll show you someone with no brains.” — Winston Churchill

 

“Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy.”
— Winston Churchill

 

“We contend that for a nation to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.” — Winston Churchill

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