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The Madera Tribune

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Opinion: Words of wisdom from some wits

September 7, 2019

Bob McCullough, a friend of the great Jim Dedmon, sent this along, as quoted from the late CBS commentator, Andy Rooney:

 

“If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.”

 

“Respect your elders. They graduated from school without the Internet.”

 

“I’ve decided I’m not old. I’m 45 — plus shipping and handling.”

 

“Why do I have to press 1 for English. Did America move?”

 

“We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.”

 

“Behind every angry woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.”

 

“Let’s stop sending money to other countries and let them hate us for free.”

 

“Vegetarian? That’s an ancient tribal name for the village idiot who could not hunt, fish or light fires.”

 

“I look at people and sometimes think, ‘Really! That’s the sperm that won’?”

 

“In my defense, I was left unsupervised.”

 

“If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat.”

 

“My decision-making skills most closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.”

 

“Some things are just better left unsaid. And I usually realize it right after I say them.”

 

“We owe illegals nothing. We owe our veterans everything.”

 

“Camping: A pursuit in which the camper pays a small fortune to live like a homeless person.”

 

“I thought getting old would take longer.”

 

“The wisest man who ever lived once said — nothing.”

 

• • •
 

Lately, I’ve been drinking more coffee, and have picked up these one-liners. Please pass the cream and sugar.

 

Signs that you’re drinking too much coffee:

 

— You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

 

— You grind your coffee beans between your teeth.

 

— The nurse needs a calculator to take your pulse.

 

— You can jump-start your car without cables.

 

— Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

 

• • •

 

Here are some more short items:

 

If an Englishman gets run over by a truck, he apologizes to the truck.

 

A man was seen studying a chessboard on a bench in Courthouse Park. Opposite the man was a dog, also staring at the chessboard.

 

A bystander said, “That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen — a dog playing chess.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” said the man playing chess with the dog. “I’ve beat him three games out of four.”

 

Television personality Rita Rudner said, “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a strange religious cult?

 

This drunk told the bartender: “My favorite drink is half carrot juice and half whiskey. I’m drunk most of the time, but I can see for miles.”

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