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The Madera Tribune

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A few laughs, courtesy of the Internet

April 11, 2018

These were passed on by the great Jim Dedmon, who gleaned them from the Internet:

Dear Boss,


I have enjoyed working here these past several years.


You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.


Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.


During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.


Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.


Sincerely,


Every senator or congressman running for president.

Try that at your present job and tell us how it works out.


• • •


How do court stenographers keep straight faces?


These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.


ATTORNEY: What year?


WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?


WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.


ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?


WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?


WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


WITNESS: He’s 20, very close to your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?


WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?


WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.


ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


• • •


Watch out for this one.


It is real and highly likely to get someone in trouble with the virus.


A new virus circulating is the UPS/Fed Ex/USPS Delivery Failure.


You will receive an e-mail from UPS, Fed Ex, or USPS along with a packet number.


It will say that they were unable to deliver a package sent to you on such-and-such a date.


It then asks you to print out the invoice copy attached.


DON’T TRY TO PRINT THIS. IT LAUNCHES THE VIRUS!


Pass this warning on to all your PC operators at work and home.


This virus has caused millions of dollars in damage in the past few days.


Snopes confirms that it is real.

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