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Will Ariel Castro do 1,000 years? Nah

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webmaster | 07/27/13

Ariel Castro, the man who kidnapped three women in Cleveland, Ohio, and kept them prisoners for about 10 years in his crummy old house, has pleaded guilty to 937 counts of kidnapping and just about everything else, including mopery. The prosecutor recommended he get life plus 1,000 years.

That seems like a lot of time to do, but if Ohio is anything like California, Castro will probably do about an hour and a half behind bars followed by approximately three weeks wearing an ankle bracelet.

That is because the courts don’t want our prisons to be too crowded. It used to be that when you sent somebody to prison for 1,000 years, they’d do at least 500 before being paroled. But no longer.

If he were in California, Castro could run for governor. We’ve been known to elect sex fiends with familiar names to the governorship. Who doesn’t know the name Castro — Fidel and Raul, those great holdout communists, whose country, Cuba, is the garden spot of the mosquito belt?

Someone named Castro on the California ballot could well find himself living the next four years in Sacramento.

Or, he could run for mayor of New York City; he must have plenty of dirty pictures he could show around. Imagine opening your Twitter account, and there’s a video of Ariel Castro beating up on one of his captives. Just the kind of man they need to get things sorted out in the Big Apple.

Or, he could run for mayor of San Diego, where fanny patters and headlock-kissers apparently have the inside track to political success.

You may ask whether voters are smarter than that, and the answer would be no. Too many voters in California — and possibly New York — have the instincts of ground squirrels, which compel them to run in front of oncoming traffic and get flattened for their trouble.


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