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The Madera Tribune

There’s no policy like an old policy

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webmaster | 11/15/13

Now that it turns out we can keep our old health insurance policies, I’m a little disappointed. I was looking forward to getting a new health insurance policy, since the old one was getting a little frayed at the corners. I got it out to take a look at it, and noticed a coffee stain on the cover page and a funny odor, probably of mold.

I also noticed I had paper-clipped a recipe for broccoli-and-kale juice to one of the inside pages. I don’t remember drinking any broccoli-and-kale juice, but it was clipped to the page that says, “In the event the party of the second part (that would be me) starts having foot pains, the party of the first part (the insurance company) does not have to pay for treatment unless the party of the second part can prove he or she had consumed broccoli-and-kale juice the day before the pains began.”

I believe I intended to make some broccoli-and-kale juice, but something else must have caught my attention. I probably had a piece of pumpkin pie instead, which seemed to work just as well, because my feet didn’t hurt after I ate it, nor have they ached since, as long as I keep eating pumpkin pie.

I believe the new insurance policies we are supposed to get will be much more liberal.

For example, pre-existing conditions, such as ague (also known as the shivering fits) are not covered in my old policy. For that ailment, under the old policy, we are supposed to go to the emergency room and have them put it on the government tab. The new policies, supposedly, will cover that, along with such difficult-to-diagnose ailments as “deep cultural malaise.”

The last time I showed up at the doctor’s office with deep cultural malaise, he told me to take two peppermints and call him in the morning. It worked, and I’ve been eating peppermints ever since. At least, if I keep the old health-insurance policy, I’ll be able to continue eating candy and charging it to the insurance company as a prescription.


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