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The Madera Tribune

Resolve to make some resolutions

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webmaster | 01/03/12

Two Maderans who were acquaintances found themselves seated next to each other in the city’s upscale bar.

“I don’t understand why people bother to make New Year’s resolutions,” said the first Maderan. They never keep them anyway.”

“I’ve kept a few,” said the second Maderan. “A few years ago, I resolved to gain some weight, and I did.”

“You resolved to gain weight?” said the first. “Were you too thin?”

“I was about average,” said No. 2. “But I was tired of being average. I wanted to be a little tubbier. Being tubby used to be a sign of prosperity and intelligence, in certain circles. It still is in some. There are some countries in the South Pacific where you are considered to be sick unless you are what we would consider to be obese. One of our presidents, William Howard Taft, was obese. But he was very distinguished-looking and very dignified. He also became Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court. He lived a long and useful life.”

“Did your life get better when you plumped up?” asked No. 1.

“Not noticeably,” said No. 2. “My wife and my doctor started nagging me to lose weight. It got to be a real bore.”

No. 1 asked, “How much weight did you gain?”

“Oh, about 10 pounds,” No. 2 answered.

“How long did it take you to gain it?”

“Oh, about a month,” was the reply. “I drank a lot of beer, ate a lot of desserts. It was really quite pleasureful.”

Maderan No. 1 leaned back in his chair and looked at No. 2. “You don’t look overweight to me” he said.

“I’m not,” said No. 2. “Last New Year’s I resolved to take the weight off, and I did.”

“And how did you do that?”

“It was easy,” said No. 2. “I got a terrible case of the flu and could hardly eat for a month. You see, resolutions aren’t so hard to keep, once you put your mind to them. You ought to resolve to make some resolutions yourself.”


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