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The greatest performers on television

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webmaster | 08/06/13

I’ve decided the best performers on television aren’t in any of the shows, nor are they the news anchors.

The people in the shows are merely reciting scripts and engaging in outrageous behavior. They are pretty good at it, I’ll admit, but they’re not as good as the best.

The news anchors are good performers, too. They have to pretend that some of the stories they report are really important. For example, all those news people who reported on the George Zimmerman trial had to react with outrage for days after they found out Zimmerman was acquitted of second-degree murder charges.

No, the best performers are those steadfast people who put on half-hour infomercials about pans, vacuums, knives, makeup and doily punches. Yes, doily punches.

Early Monday morning, I saw two women marketing these punching machines allegedly designed for Martha Stuart Living. They were made for crafters — particularly crafters who like to make their own greeting cards and paper decorations. These punches are designed so a crafter can put a piece of construction paper into the machine and the machine will cut out a pattern — a flower, or a little animal or curlycues. The crafter can glue these cutouts on book covers, or on greeting cards, or even around the bottom edges of lampshades, if you want to make a really cheap lampshade appear to be a little upscale.

These crafters are bringing some beauty into their lives, and giving themselves something to do, which is fine. I do not have a hobby nearly as constructive or interesting. But these Martha Stuart punches were going for $59.95 each (shipping and handling free), and here was the astonishing thing: The two pitchwomen selling these appeared to be getting such a kick out of it.

In fact, they said, they only had about 250 of the punches left, and they were frantic because the punches were going fast.

“We won’t have any more of these for another nine or 10 months” said one breathlessly. “So call right now and don’t be left out.”

She was so convincing, I almost called to place an order, but then I came to my senses. Mrs. Doud would make me send them right back, or I would have to donate them to the church rummage sale. We would not have any paper doilies in our house.

But I will tell you, those women could certainly sell doily punches. In fact, I’m beginning to wonder whether they have any left. Perhaps there is still time to call, and I could have them sent to me at the office so Mrs. Doud would never know.


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