Serving the heart of California since 1892

The Madera Tribune

Do not remove the label

Most newspaper content here is incomplete. Want it all? Sooner? Subscribe to our full print and online editions by calling (559) 674-4207 and get both for the price of one!

webmaster | 06/21/12

Wednesday morning as I went to our driveway to collect our copy of The Madera Tribune, I noticed something lying next to The World’s Greatest Newspaper — a label. It was one of those labels that says, “Do not remove under penalty of law.”

Those labels come on mattresses and sometimes on pillows. I swear I have never removed any such label, as I don’t want a midnight visit from the label storm troopers breaking down our door with battering rams and shooting at us with tear gas bombs and Tasers.

However, in spite of my innocence (and I do mean innocence, and not accompanied by a wink-wink), there I stood with the label in hand.

The first thing I thought was, “How did this get here?” The second thing was, “What am I going to do?” The label was damp, so it probably didn’t get blown to our driveway by the wind. Somebody had put it there, obviously, and probably with ill intent. Was this a test to see if I would report a missing label to the Federal Bureau of Label Investigation (FBLI)? Could it have been dropped from a drone, one armed with a grenade launcher?

You’ve probably read about the drones. President Obama is having the troops put them to use. But we also hear that drones are being employed by other entities, probably the FBLI. Soon, the skies will be full of drones, we are told. However, we always hear about these things after they happen, don’t we?

What was I to do? As President Obama would have said, the answer was perfectly clear. I had to leave the label on the driveway. After all, the label said, “Do not remove under penalty of law.” Who am I to say driveways aren’t being labeled these days? And I don’t want to get into any more trouble than I already am. If it isn’t on the driveway tomorrow, it will be somebody else’s problem.


comments powered by Disqus