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The Madera Tribune

Car thieves are having their day

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webmaster | 12/10/13

An Associated Press study has shown that letting car thieves out of jail early has resulted in more car thefts in California, especially in Fresno, which is one of the car-theft capitols of the Milky Way Galaxy.

The car thieves were let go because the governor didn’t want to go to jail himself. He had to obey a federal judge’s order to reduce the prison population. Someone said that if the governor didn’t obey the judge, he could find himself in contempt of court. The last time someone was convicted of being in contempt of that particular federal judge, I’ve been told, he was hauled off to a federal penitentiary, where he had to wear ugly clothes, was made to eat Jello three times a day, and forced to watch continual reruns of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana. It would have been heck on earth.

So, he sent the car thieves off to county jails, where a lot of them were released because the jails had fewer vacant cells than the state.

The go-easy-on-crime guys said everything would be okay, because the car thieves had learned their lessons.

Well, the lessons apparently were how to do a better job of stealing cars, because that’s what they are doing, at the rate of about 24,000 extra car thefts a year.

What I am guessing is that the governor either doesn’t have a car, or if he does have one, he keeps it in his garage under lock and key. He doesn’t really need a car, because any time he wants a ride, he can get one from the State Patrol on a helicopter, or a jet plane or in a limousine.

As for me, I prefer not to have my car stolen, because the only time I can get a ride from the State Patrol is when I get pulled over and hauled in for something like felony mopery. I think I’d rather call a cab.


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